Life is a journey. No one is perfect, and no one should be expected to be. So if you’re having trouble forgiving yourself for mistakes that have been made in the past, it’s time to let them go.
Perfectionism is a myth. It’s a lie that we tell ourselves, to keep us from doing anything at all. It’s the enemy of progress and personal growth. Perfectionism is a form of self-sabotage that keeps you stuck in your old ways, even when those ways are making you miserable and unhappy.
If you’re so worried about doing everything perfectly, then you’ll never get anything done at all! You’ll never learn from your mistakes if they’re too painful to acknowledge; instead, avoid them altogether by avoiding taking any risks or doing anything new at all! The only way out of this cycle is through acceptance: accept that no one is perfect, accept that mistakes will happen no matter how hard you try not to make them—and then accept yourself for being human!
When I am working with some of my clients, I draw reference to my fried egg model for control. If we consider the gorgeous yellow yoke in the middle to be the bit that you have control over, and the white surround to be areas that you don’t have control over, why not just focus on that gorgeous, yummy runny yoke. To be honest, this is not a new model – it is extrapolated from the seminal 7 habits book by Stephen R Covey.
For those reading of religious persuasion – there are numerous bible verses about no one is perfect –
And Jesus said to him, “Why do you call me good? No one is good except God alone.
Mark 10:18 ESV
The most important thing is to remember that you are not alone. Everyone struggles with this at some point in their lives, and there is always someone who can help you through it—whether it’s a loved one, a therapist or other professional, or an online community of people who understand what you’re going through.
Recognize your triggers.
What do I mean about triggers when we start to accept that no one is perfect no one is perfect. Simply put, these are the external factors that trigger an internal response. Outside of this discussion, it could be that there are things that you find repugnant, somethings that are against your core values that make you wretch or something that puts the smile on your face.
A frequent trigger for many is social media. People put posts up all the time about how wonderfully perfect their lives are wrapped in idealism. As my late father said to me at a very young age –
‘nothing is like it is in the movies’ –
Dad
a line that has stuck with me for many years.
So, how can you avoid your triggers?
- You could avoid them, but that won’t necessarily help you get over them.
- If they’re happening at work, see if you can change your schedule or avoid the people who are triggers for you.
- If they keep popping up in personal relationships, seek out a professional counselor to help navigate this difficult time in your life.
- If being triggered by social media or an email, then remember the line ‘nothing is like it is in the movies‘
- Keep the no one is perfect message clear and forefront in your mind.
How can you cope with them?
- Sometimes it helps to have a plan of action for when these situations arise—a script or some other way of knowing how to respond during moments of anxiety and stress. This doesn’t have to be anything complicated; it could just be something like “I’ll take deep breaths,” or “I’ll remind myself that no one is perfect.” Keep these things handy so when an instance of anxiety comes up, it won’t feel so overwhelming because there’s something concrete within reach that will help manage the situation without making matters worse (e.g., drinking too much).
Be more forgiving of yourself – remember no one is perfect!
Be more forgiving of yourself. It’s important to recognize that you are human, and that you don’t have to be perfect. Acknowledge your mistakes and learn from them instead of beating yourself up for them.
- Forgive yourself for not being able to do everything perfectly.
- Forgive yourself for not being able to be the best at everything, and don’t beat yourself up if you make a mistake—it happens!
- Learn from it instead of dwelling on it.
- Recognize that perfectionism is a form of self-harm and not being able to forgive yourself can make you feel worse. Instead, try to be more forgiving of yourself so you can move on from past mistakes easily. It’s important to recognize that you are human, and that you don’t have to be perfect. Acknowledge your mistakes and learn from them instead of beating yourself up for them.
Be more intentional with your praise (and criticism).
If you want people to do their best work, it’s important to recognize what they’ve done well. But it’s also important that you avoid letting praise get out of hand. When we over-praise a person or behavior, it can have negative consequences: In one study where participants were praised for every correct answer on a test regardless of how quickly they answered or how many questions they missed, those participants showed lower motivation and poorer performance on a subsequent test than did participants who were not praised at all.
I run a training course. This course is predominantly aimed at teaching skills, but I have built in the human element of giving feedback, This is something that the target audience and others find hard to do. Initially they talk about everything being really good – but it is only after challenge that we start to develop a critical feedback mechanism. I use a model called Pendletons Rules and find this progressive. Interestingly, in another group of coaches, I have had feedback that they also find this mechanism hard- but also incredibly liberating too.
In addition to being more judicious with praise in general, be sure that your criticism is useful—don’t just say “good job” or “wow.”
Remember that self-belief and success are not linear.
You are not a straight line. You’re not linear. You don’t have to be perfect at all times, and you shouldn’t aspire to be. Failing and getting back up is a part of success. In fact, it’s crucial.
There are going to be times when you feel like giving up—the good times will seem far away, and the bad times will feel like they’ll never end. But if you keep working hard and stay positive, eventually you’ll reach your goals.
Don’t let your failures define you. Instead, use them as a lesson for the next time around.
The key to success is to not give up. If you’re passionate about something, don’t let anything stand in your way. Learn from each mistake, and keep fighting until you reach your goals.
Drown out the inner critic by talking through it.
In the words of Oscar Wilde, “The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.” That’s why it’s important to listen to yourself when you talk. If you’re feeling bad about something, don’t let that voice go unchecked. Instead, hear it out, and try to get at the root of what’s really bothering you.
Here are some ways to drown out your inner critic:
- Talk through it with a friend or family member
- Write down your thoughts in a journal
- Use a voice recorder if talking is too difficult (or too risky) for privacy reasons
- Talk with a therapist who can help address those negative feelings before they spiral out of control
Other people believe you? So be kinder to yourself!
The truth is, no one is perfect. Even if you’re a successful entrepreneur, even if your business has been featured on Forbes and Inc., even if you have a beautiful family and lots of friends–you still have imposter syndrome.
You are not the only one who feels this way! I know it might seem like it sometimes, but just know that there are other people out there who feel exactly as you do. You aren’t alone in your feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt–so be kinder to yourself!
And remember: being kinder to yourself means accepting that everyone else is imperfect too! The more I accept my mistakes and imperfections as a person (and all humans make mistakes), the easier it becomes for me to relax and enjoy life without worrying too much about what others think of me
Visualize the person you want to be.
Visualize the person you want to be, and then work toward becoming that person. A great way to do this is to visualize yourself as the person you want to be, especially in situations where you’re feeling anxious or uncertain. For example, if you’re worried about giving a speech but would like to be able to speak confidently in front of others without fear, try imagining yourself giving a speech with confidence—a calm voice and steady gaze are key! You can also imagine small victories leading up to your big day: walking into the room and looking at people as though they were all friends there just for your benefit; having no trouble remembering your lines when it comes time for them; even hearing applause after finishing! Visualization techniques like these can help build self-esteem and reduce anxiety so that when it’s time for action, you know exactly what needs doing
Reduce perfectionism in other areas of your life.
When you are trying to do everything perfectly, you may feel like a fraud. The more you try to achieve perfection, the more likely you are going to become frustrated and give up on your goals. Perfectionism can also lead to procrastination, anxiety and depression.
If you can make peace with the fact that others have imposter syndrome also, it might help put things into perspective and make it easier to relax.
The big takeaway is that imposter syndrome isn’t a sign of weakness. It takes courage to be open about your fears and insecurities, so don’t let the fear of being judged keep you from doing so. You can use this as a way to connect with others who may be experiencing the same feelings and start a conversation on how they’ve dealt with them (more on this below). The more we share our experiences, the less alone we feel in them and the easier it will be for us all to get through them together.
If you can make peace with the fact that others have imposter syndrome also, it might help put things into perspective and make it easier to relax.
The reality is that you can’t control everything, and it’s important to remember that. Sometimes things won’t go your way no matter how hard you try or how much effort you put in; this is where learning to accept that imperfection comes into play. The more accepting we are of ourselves and others, the easier it will be for us to work together towards common goals without being too critical about our own shortcomings or those of others.
Final thoughts
There is a beautiful part of the book (Psychology Today)
“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?” “Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become REAL.”
“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit. “Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.” “Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?” “It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
The Velveteen Rabbit – Margery Williams
